Draco and Percy on the Hunt
by Cat Meeeow
Summary: The tale of a Draco, a Percy, their sex walrus, and a musical audition of sorts...
1. The Search for a Sex Walrus

Yes, this is my first fanfic... I know, its a bit odd. Well, say what you want. This is for some special people out there with a sick sense of humor. Or a regular one. I don't care which. Oh well. Perhaps we should get onto the story.

* * *

"Moo!" said the cat as it ran through the fields shouting, "Look at me, I believe I can die!" before it ran into the wheat thresher. As blood spilled everywhere, Percy looked down at the decapitated cat's head and said, "Would you like to try that again?" He lay there, silent.

"Speak, you mortal being, before I crush your skull!" is what Percy said to him right before he stepped on the cat's head. Nay! He did not die then, but later, when Percy poked him with a pointed moldy potato. That was the end of the race of pointed moldy potatoes and mooing cats.

"Huzzah!" said Draco, sitting on the wheat thresher as he turned to the evil mushroom that was driving the rusty contraption.

"Well now, did you ever believe that would happen? Such a silly cat! And ever so random!"

"No. No indeed. I did not," said the mushroom as he realized he shouldn't be talking at all.

Draco walked over to Percy and clapped his hand onto his shoulder.

"Well, my good street urchin, you couldn't have done it any better. I am almost barely positive that the cat was in cahoots with that saucy love kitten, Professor Trelawny," said Draco, gazing up into the starlit sky. Percy eyed him with an unusually intimate curiosity.

"Yes, that gorgeous prostitute of seduction… I must have her! This cat was just a mere stepping stone on the path to…to…um…I know! My real enticement! And that is… Aha! Of course… it must be…" Draco stumbled over the words as he tried to think of another hot love muffin that he could sink his claws into.

"Dolores Umbridge?" Percy suggested.

Draco stared at him.

And stared.

And stared some more.

And then he slapped Percy.

"No."

Percy massaged the back of his head. He decided to try his luck again.

"Hmmm…Mrs. Norris?"

Percy ducked just in time to dodge Draco's hand… however; Draco was not aiming for Percy's head. Percy hopped up

with excitement as Draco's hand collided with his backside.

"NO."

Percy had had quite enough of the head and ass smacking. So, he decided he would try ONCE more.

"It must be…Rumplestiltskin?"

Draco stared at him again.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU ON? THIS IS A HARRY POTTER STORY, NOT SOME FRUITCAKE OF A TALE ABOUT A MIDGET RIDING A COOKING SPOON!"

Percy quivered in his boots. Then he realized he was wearing heels. And he blushed. Profusely.

Draco, however, had had enough of Percy guessing. So he decided that he must finally choose a sex walrus worthy of himself.

"I must have… Lockhart!"

* * *

Tune in next time for Draco and Percy attempting to woo their newly chosen sex walrus. 


	2. The Audition

Lockhart gazed lovingly around at his hospital room in St. Mungo's. He smiled and thought about his past few years here.

…NOSTRIL MONGER-BELLY DANCER- ESPIONAGE SMURF- PEDANTIC DOUBLE ENTANDRE…

His jumbled thoughts played through his head over and over and over again.

Lying back on his pillows, he let the breeze from the barred window play over his toes, which were the only part of him not covered by the polyester blanket.

Suddenly, there was a tapping at the bars on the window.

"Dinner must be ready!" said Lockhart excitedly. He jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Not realizing the door was solid material, he attempted to run through it. And failed. Miserably.

At about that time, a ghost walked by. Out of the corner of his transparent eye, he managed to catch a glimpse of Lockhart's face being plastered against the window in the door. However, when he turned to see what had happened, Lockhart had already slid to the floor and landed in his bedpan.

"Dammit, Percy! You are supposed to help me with this, not make him run into things and fall in his own excrement!" screeched Draco, as he spied on his love platypus through the window.

Percy blushed. He had no desire whatsoever to lure Lockhart to the window. All he wanted to do was jump the bones of the elephant of seduction next to him on the broomstick. His mouth watered at the thought, and drenched Draco's already glistening… foot.

"Percy, for the love of God, could you control your bodily functions for five minutes?" said Draco as he kept watching his giant smurf… I mean rubber duck… of passion.

"Lockhart, my love of breakfast foods! Come to me, my potato chip of infatuation!"

Percy glared at the unconscious cherub on the floor of the room. In a rush of fury toward the apple of the eye of the apple of his eye, Percy lunged at the sex god on the floor, forgetting about the bars in the window. In the flurry of movement, Draco fell with a sickening explosion of bubble wrap.

Percy cackled as he clawed at Lockhart through the window. Draco massaged his ovaries and looked up at Percy. He decided he would leave Percy to his attacking of the building.

"Oh well. I suppose I'll just have to get a new sidekinky… I mean sidekick. Although a sidekinky would be quite delectable…" said Draco as he strolled along.

Draco was distraught. He had lost his sex walrus, and now his sidekick was at very high altitudes on a pilfered broomstick.

Draco kept walking… and the theme from the Incredible Hulk played…You know, that sad walking away music.

Then, Draco spotted a sign. Auditions for a musical were being held up ahead at the… well, what would you call that thing? A fountain? A bakery? Oh, yes, now I see it. It's a hardware store.

Draco decided a musical might be just what he was looking for. So, he ran in, and sang the only song he knew.

…

…

"People all over the world! Drop Pants! Start a hump train! Hump train!" Draco squealed into the shelves of nuts and bolts.

…

…

The directors stared.

And stared.

And then… they stood up.

And cheered.

Draco bowed, graciously. And smacked his head into a rack of lamb… I mean hammers.

Once again massaging his ovaries, Draco gazed at the continually applauding directors. He walked over to one, and asked, "So, what is this musical that we are performing?"

The directors gazed at him with glazed expressions…

"Musical? Performing? Oh, yes, that! Well, truth be told, we haven't written it yet! So, if you know of anyone that can write a damn good musical… Tell them to go screw themselves! We don't need any competition! And then ask if they can help us out with writing one of our own. We could really use the help here. Wait…No…Nevermind. Just tell them to screw themselves," said Director number A. Draco scratched his thigh in confusion.

Tune in again as Draco finds a musical writer, and defies his directors as he falls for the Pink Goddess of Love.


	3. The Pink Goddess of Love

"I must find someone to write a script for our musical! I really truly must!" Draco proclaimed to the world. He then ran into a road sign… I mean woman.

"I'm Hermione Granger, who are you to be running into my voluptuous bosom?" she asked as she looked down at the short man over her large… wrists.

She was clad all in pink, with latex… and sequins. And a rather large feather boa on her John Deere sandals.

"You must be the Pink Goddess of Love!" Draco exclaimed excitedly. He then became entranced by one of the especially large sequins, and could not take his eyes off of it for quite some time.

"Ahem. I said, who are you?" said the Pink Goddess… I mean Hermione. Draco came out of his stupor and looked up at her face. He drooled.

"I'm… Bob… I mean Draco," he said with a wild look in his eyes.

"Well, I've heard you're looking for someone to write a script for your musical! And, it appears that I just so happen to have one right here!" she squealed with delight. And then she procured a script from thin air.

"How'd you do that?" Draco questioned questioningly.

"I'm a witch, you twit, how the hell do you think I did it?" she said with an all-too-knowing look in her eyes.

Hours later, Draco finished reading the script. He then brought it to the directors.

"It's amazing! I love it! I want to marry it!" said Director Letter Two.

And so the script and he were married.

Two months later……………….

Draco and his musical performed. And it was awesome. And the Pink Goddess of Love liked it. A lot.

So she, the directors, Draco, Percy, their sex walrus, and the script had a wild orgy on the front lawn with rounded moldy potatoes (since the pointy ones were extinct).

Please review! Yes, I know this chapter and the rest of the story are quite short, but I wanted to move on to better things. I'll have some original things (more serious and not at all stupid like this one) up on Fiction Press really soon. This was just something stupid and fun to do. It was nice, but I'm better at writing my own stories, and not using characters from things I've already read.


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